October 26, 2006


Hold everything, it's another title bout folks! Behold the Clash of the Gluttons!

"The Laudable Lush"
Era: 1980s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: No
Place of Origin: Pet shop
Rib Count: 14
Celebrity Look-alike: Dean Martin
Description: How did this happen? All we know: He's an escaped prisoner. He got drunk in a pile of gold. He died (apparently too soused to flee his doom.) The location of his death was eventually submerged in seawater. It's a mystery for the ages. Ironically the current continues to lift the jug to his missing lips again and again and again.
Additional Info: Penn Plax has made immeasurable progress in the field of plastic skeleton promotion. Thanks to their time tested, non-threatening aquarium ornaments it's not unheard of to spot skeletons in hospital waiting rooms, travel agencies or even retirement homes. It's common knowledge that the ocean floor is cluttered with the remains of fallen pirates and Penn Plax simply cashes in on this notion. They invented all the classics.. the pop-up skull in the barrel, the stubborn skinless captain who spends the hereafter gripping the ship's wheel, and the reclining skeleton with a cutlass in his ribs.. all of which provide both atmosphere and aeration.

And in this corner...

"The Overfed Overlord"
Era: 2000s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: Yes
Place of Origin: Wal-Mart
Rib Count: 16
Celebrity Look-alike: James Woods?
Description: The fangs make it obvious that this is the living skeleton of a vampire. A vampire who suffers a most dismal state of being. Though he's practically dead he must continue to feed. His digestive system, still present and functional, spills out from his bony body cavity in a most repulsive fashion. It looks as though we've caught him after a heavy meal, but though he's too full to even stand he is entirely lacking in satisfaction. I long to know the tale of how he earned such a dreadful curse.
Additional Info: This skeleton is an example of a rubber "Jiggler" it and was created by the master of all Jiggler-makers... Imperial Toys.

The Judgment: Here we have two skeletons that have been masterfully crafted by two of the most influential skeleton experts in the history of the world. Both have grossly overindulged in one way or another. But the phantom pirate promotes life even in his own death as he distributes sweet, nourishing oxygen to our domestic underwater allies.

The Winner: Skeleton #6 is... "The Laudable Lush"
Cause of Death for The Overfed Overlord: Disembowelment


dean martin peters said...

Hey pallie, dude thanks for the Dinomention. Long live our Master of Hip, our King of Cool, the one, the only DINO!!!!

Steven Altis said...

Man-o-man! The Overlord is disgusting and disturbing in a way that almost sails right past the line of demarcation between 'cool disgusting and disturbing' and 'disturbing disgusting and disturbing.'

So very pink...

Herva said...

Poor James Woods, I think this one could be mistaken for Erik Roberts.

Flashfink! said...

Looking at this prompted me to check out Penn Plex's website. This stuff would be cool to collect, even without an aquarium.

Smurfwreck said...

Man, the Overfed Overloard still has a tongue to go with those pink organs.

I wonder if this is the most drastic case of preparing for a great feast. First you starve yourself to bones and vamp teeth, then drink till you belly is about to jiggle and burst.

This never works right, like preping for a buffet or something.

Kirk D. said...

Cheers to you Dean Martin Peters!

Steven just be thankful you don't have to touch him.

herv- this guy?
that's a funny connection.

flashfink- Agreed! I have five of their aerators (2 skeleton related) and I'd like to have more. You may have seen them but here's a couple good pages of their stuff...

smurf- ha! that's good. You should be writing these. Oh, how I wish someone else were writing these.