WOULD-BE WEEBLE: JAWS

It's time for a new addition to my virtual collection of Would-Be Weebles. Since Jaws is a movie monster in his own right I figured the Halloween countdown is a fine place for him to make his debut. There's probably not a lot I can tell you about Jaws that you don't already know. (Did you hear that they're going to put out a three hour documentary about the film?) I couldn't resist making a Weeble in his likeness for two reasons...
1. Jaws is awesome.
2. Jaws' head is sort of shaped like a Weeble on the poster...


"...What we are dealing with here is a perfect weeble, an eating weeble. It's really a miracle of weebles. All this weeble does is swim and eat and make little weebles, and that's all."

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #6

I designed my sixth fantasy weeble in the likeness of Stretch Armstrong's foe, the Stretch Monster. It's all in honor of Stretch Monster Week, which is happening right this moment over at Neatocoolville! Check it out if you want to be a part of the grandest, most comprehensive Stretch Monster tribute that the Internet has ever experienced.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #5

It's time to get back to my ongoing series of fake Weebles. Once I create enough I'm hoping to put them together and actually update that dusty old Secret Fun Spot which has gone virtually untouched since even before I started this web log (also called a "blog").
You recognize the Weeble right? Why, it's Tron! He deserves to be a part of my imaginary Weeble brigade for so many reasons. (And not just because he adorned my pajamas.)

As a boy I pleaded with my dad to get me to the cinema for this one. However, my desire to see it was the result of a misconception. My brain had led me to believe that the film was based on a Marvel Comic which had caught my eye on many occasions.. Rom: Spaceknight. I suppose it was the combination of the similar names, typefaces, and shiny guys that confused me.
Well, I can thank my ignorance and my father for getting me into the theater because as the feature played my mind was transported to a wonderful place, not unlike an orange getting zapped by a laser. It combined everything I loved.. video games, animation and even frisbee.

As if the film weren't enough, there was the fantastic arcade game.. an instant favorite. And how could it not be? The first time I encountered the machine was at Walt DisneyWorld during my 1982 summer vacation. I was already aware of its existence having seen it featured on an Entertainment Tonight segment, but the morning I entered the Magic Kingdom's newly expanded "Penny Arcade" I was not prepared to find literally dozens of virgin Tron games set up in multiple clusters of four, back to back to back to back. It was a perfect introduction to the game, however my decision to spend many precious theme park hours playing a soon-to-be widespread computer game was quite poor.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #4

My latest fake weeble is the moosiest moose you know.. Marty Moose. There's a good chance that you recognize him as the head mascot for Wally World, the fictitious theme park from the movie National Lampoon's Vacation.
Why Marty? Well, Vacation has been one of my favorite flicks since I first saw it in the days of yore. And since there's a Mickey Mouse weeble, it stands to reason that Marty have a pseudo weeble to go with his pseudo theme park. It seemed fitting to model him after the Mickey weeble which had a "floating" face and three dimensional ears.

For me there was a mystery surrounding the Vacation movie that nobody in my younger years could seem to answer. The question I posed to all my friends and family was... "What does National Lampoon's mean?" The culture I lived in, consisting of mid-American children and families, wasn't really the target audience for such a publication so the people in my life honestly had no idea. My dad told me what the word 'lampoon' meant, which led me to wonder who or what is "National" and why is it making fun of vacation? Many months later a clue surfaced at Wal-Mart in the form of a paperback called National Lampoon's DOON...




Having been schooled by Wacky Packages I understood that this was a parody of Dune, and I was a bit shocked that it wasn't simply a funny cover.. the joke lasted for hundreds of pages! I loved that this was sort of a living Wacky Package, however my National Lampoon quandary became even more perplexing.

A trip to B. Dalton in the nearby mall would provide another lead. I saw the cover of an issue of the National Lampoon magazine, but it was way up on the top shelf. So my confusion remained until the day my friend Greg let me leaf through one of his dad's copies. I gleefully flipped through its pages and...I really didn't get it then. Chevy Chase was nowhere to be found, and while a handful of risqué images were conspicuous to say the least, it didn't really qualify as a "dirty book." To me, it was just weird, kind of like Mad, but with too many words. So I guess I can't really pinpoint any moment of revelation, I guess I figured things out over time (which is a really boring way to end this tale.) But somehow I learned more about the magazine and the fact that Vacation was based on a story that John Hughes wrote for it called Vacation '58. (For more information see the Wikipedia.) However, I must say I never have figured out what Mad Magazine had to do with Up The Academy.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #3

I present my latest Would-Be Weeble...Steve Martin as seen in The Jerk (complete with the necessities: chair, paddleball, ashtray, and desk lamp). It seems like an unlikely toy and yet when I was a boy I appreciated Steve Martin easily as much as Luke Skywalker or Bugs Bunny. King Tut, Balloon Animals, Groucho Glasses, Arrows through the head.. only a kid can properly relish that stuff.

For me there was usually a challenge involved in seeing Steve's work. Saturday Night Live was naturally off limits, I had to wait for the R-rated Jerk to air on network TV before I ever had the pleasure, and I can't forget how it pained me when the Steve Martin TV special "Comedy Is Not Pretty" aired after my bedtime. (I remember making an out-of-bed request for a glass of water just in time to watch a kid get run over by a drunk (played by Steve) driving a steamroller.) The fact that he was forbidden certainly added to his appeal, but all these years later I'm still a big fan.

Ok, I promise I've got some non-Weeble related posts in the hopper, but one must act when the inspiration hits.

UPDATE: Watch the "That's all I need" scene from The Jerk HERE.
See Steve Martin's brilliant Flydini routine HERE.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #2

I chose to base my second Would-Be Weeble, on another wonderful toy from the 1970s, Mazinga of the Shogun Warriors series. The 24-inch plastic robot eluded me as a child due to it's "dangerous" spring-loaded missiles and I've remained Mazinga-less thanks to the hefty price tag it now carries. I've always admired his design and I think it makes for a decent Weeble, relatively speaking. At least a Weeble version would have been safe enough to meet my parents standards.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #1

Ubergeeks like myself understand that sometimes it's not enough to merely collect stuff. Sometimes you must spend otherwise-useful time wishing that "they" would have made different, better stuff for you to collect. Because the "they" who are behind all existing toys somehow neglected to make the best possible ones. Therefore creative collectors are forced to usher these untapped ideas into reality. Now then, there are already fantasy PEZ dispensers, custom Mego Action Figures and "What if" Aurora models to name a few, but I would like to hatch an all new sub-genre of imaginary playthings.. Would-be Weebles.

Why Weebles? Well, for reasons unknown my parents seemed to prefer them over the Fischer-Price little people, therefore playtime for me usually meant Weeble-time. But my fondness for the egg-shaped beings goes far deeper than that. I'm only slightly ashamed to reveal that the Weeble's Treasure Island set was my final reward for successful completion of toilet training. ahem. So yeah.. when your brain associates a particular toy with the sense of victory that can only come with the achievement of personal continence, well.. you can understand why I dig Weebles.

As much as I loved the ones I had, I've never been satisfied with the existing selection of Weebles. Throughout childhood I dictated a number of letters to Romper Room regarding my thoughts on new and better Weeble products. My mom recorded these ideas and actually mailed them in. My list included: the cast of Peter Pan, Casper, Sesame Street (which were eventually made), Popeye, Mickey Mouse (which were also produced later on) Scooby-Doo, Land of the Lost, Mighty Mouse, Groovie Goolies, and Star Wars.

Anyway, it recently dawned on me that with the magik of PhotoShop at my disposal, I can finally see what some of my dream Weebles might look like. Only now my wish list has changed dramatically. So I present you with the first in an ongoing series of Would-be Weebles.. Hugo, the Man of a Thousand Faces...

It's Hugo with his familiar blue lace up shirt, trademark bald head, pronounced cheek bones and icy stare.

Turn him around to reveal Hugo incognito- bearing a tourniquet, scary eye, scar and goatee.

For those unfamiliar, Hugo is a disguisable puppet that was produced by Kenner in 1975. He came with an assortment of hair, scars, glasses and facial prosthetics that you could apply with a glue stick. You may have seen my somewhat primitive "Virtual Hugo" on the Secret Fun Spot...


Hugo is just about my favorite piece of plastic ever, and a natural choice as my first fictitious Weeble rendering.
So now you've had your first look into the way things could have been.. and nothing will ever be the same. Only time will reveal additional members of this fantastic new army of imaginary Weebles.