WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION - PART II

...Continued from Part I.

I hate Atlanta. Okay, I don't mean that, I just hate driving there. I've spent time behind the wheel in all the driver's nightmare towns: Boston, L.A., Philly, Manhattan (where a semi snagged the front of my bumper and dragged my car 20 feet), and San Francisco (where I got impounded). But no city has ever wrecked me like Atlanta (#$%*! Peachtree Streets everywhere!). After my solo jaunt to Athens I pulled into downtown Atlanta around 10 PM. I could see my hotel from the exit ramp. Twenty minutes later I was on an interstate leaving downtown Atlanta. And that's when a pattern started to form. I would loop back into the city where I would spend about a half hour in the maze of one-way streets and then I would get spit out onto an interstate again. I shoestringed in and out of the greater downtown area six or seven times. I was still in this holding pattern after midnight and some of the locals started giving attention to my stray, rented 2007 Sport Utility Vehicle. Folks yelled some stuff and even approached me at a couple stop lights. Did I mention I forgot my phone back in the hotel? It was that kind of night.

Well, nothing happened, except that I started feeling more miserable about my situation. At one point I found myself speeding South on I-75, in the opposite direction of my bed; so naturally, I took an exit to loop around and get northbound. But this exit didn't loop back, so I drove miles down some other highway until I found another turnaround. Surprise, that one didn't loop back either. At this moment I was three highways removed from my route home and I was still moving away from my quiet hotel room. Finally, I desperately veered down yet another exit that emptied me into a little out-of-the-way burg where your Tuesday evening options were limited to a liquor store, a strip club, and a nail salon, all fortified with window-bars and all sharing the same parking lot which happened to be hoppin' that night. Well, after another half hour and some serious traffic violations I was back in my room. Around 1:30 AM room service brought up the best pepperoni pizza I've eaten in my life.

I figure all that's worth mentioning (despite the personal foolishness it reveals) because it turned out to be one of the most memorable times of my trip and it will continue to serve as a reference point because I don't know when I've ever felt so lost or frustrated. I actually value the experience now. And carving out a new vacation low definitely made for much sweeter highs for the remainder of the journey.

CHEROKEE, NORTH CAROLINA

Oh, if only I had known during my Atlanta tribulation that mere hours later I would be worlds away from the grit of A-Town touring through small green communities wholesome enough to attract busloads of senior citizens. Places where soft simpletons like myself are encouraged to stay, provided we bring enough money to spend on ice cream. Why, Santa Claus himself started showing up on billboards, personally inviting us to spend a day in his land. (In retrospect I'm not sure why we didn't make time to stop.) But soon we arrived at Gatlinburg's little brother, Cherokee...

(almost all my photos will grow when clicked.)

I'm fond of the town because it's a bit unkempt and it's not as modernized as other nearby fun spots. We stopped long enough to pour in a few tourist dollars.

This shot of Discount Souvenirs sums it all up.. impulse buys in front of a gorgeous woodland backdrop. (Plus, any establishment that uses "Hobo" as a primary font has already won my support.)

I've never seen such an impressive unlicensed "Thing" from the 2005 Fantastic Four film adaptation. (It's a coin bank that stands over two feet high.) "Regular Price: $40 This Weekend Only: $10"

The sign, the structure, the landscaping all says to me... "It's recreation time friend. Just relax and enjoy. This is how we've been doing it for like, fifty years. So you're in expert hands. And if it happens to rain, no worries, just park under my sturdy columns while you check into one of my clean, affordable rooms where you can watch the color TV."
Or maybe I'm reading into it too much.

Once you hit Cherokee it's pure vacationland wonder all the way to Gatlinburg thanks to the crooked mountaintop road that connects the two towns. Throughout the last hour of driving motorists are tempted by dozens of picturesque pull-offs. I found myself conflicted. The views are astounding but who can fully appreciate them with knowledge that the Ripley's museum is just twenty minutes away? During this stretch I turned on some Disneyland ambient music and the woods became instantly enchanted. Before I knew it I was back in my beloved Smokey Mountain tourist trap.

GATLINBURG, TENNESSEE

Promotional photo

I was first introduced to Gatlinburg in 1986. I was a junior high student on a West Virginia bound road trip with my grandparents, mom and sister (dad had to work). Along the way I heard the grown-ups debating whether or not we should even stop there. I felt no need to chime in because I'd never heard of the place and I couldn't see how some tiny mountain town could possibly have anything to offer a too-cool-for-school teen like myself. Today I realize that my grandfolks were hesitant because they feared that if sis and I were exposed to such pure awesomeness we wouldn't want to leave. (Of course, they were ultimately correct.) But gramps made the fateful decision to stop as I remained apathetic in the backseat.

We got closer and I started silently admiring the scenery as well as the fact that my ears kept popping from the altitude; something I had never experienced outside of an airplane. I turned up my Walkman to drown out the childlike awe that started to percolate. And then Wham-O! Gatlinburg hit my eyes without warning and suddenly I was staring at Xanadu- Home of the Future!

This is a brochure from that first trip.
Sadly, this place is long gone.

I tore off my headphones and rolled down the window. We slowly passed through the business district... restaurant, mini-golf course, novelty shop, diner, fudgery... haunted house?! They had haunted houses just sitting out on the main street!? I didn't know a place like this even existed. It was like a little piece of Disney World had broken off and ran into the mountains to hide. I couldn't get out of that car soon enough.

It wasn't so different this time around. Thankfully the town's essence hasn't really changed all that much. Here's a shot of a shopping plaza that's in the center of everything...

There's a prevalent diagonal wood motif up and down the main drag. So 1980s, yet so comforting.

Look closely and you'll see that those are ghostly heads right above the Fudge Shoppe; because right around the corner it's...

That's right. A spook show in the middle of town. Grim Reapers and Mennonite ladies sharing the same sidewalk!

The brochure above is from '86. I finally got the nerve to go inside in '92. A small audience stays seated as ghostly effects play out around the room. In following with standard Spook Show procedure there's a "blackout" at the end and glowing ghosts swirl about the darkened chamber. (At least that's how it happened back in the day.) Here's a shot from 2002...


I find it interesting that they've since returned to all white signage. But that's just me. Anyway, even the non-ghostly stuff is pretty great. The Pancake Pantry for instance...



and there's this pleasant looking Shoney's with its understated sign and attractive rock walls. Makes me want to buy a newspaper and plant myself in a booth for the morning.


And there's this place...

"Self Defense and Tobacco Accessories" So that nobody can mug you for your rolling paper I guess. This shop wasn't around when I was thirteen, but as I walked by I could feel my inner thirteen-year-old getting rowdy.

Back to the spooky stuff. Mysterious Mansion is an off-the-strip walkthrough spook house that's worth looking for. It's not so much about guys with chainsaws as it is finding your way through secret passages and such. But there are some fun tricks in there too. It's also said to be Gatlinburg's oldest haunted house. Here's my vintage brochure...

(front)

(inside)

And here's how it looked a few weeks ago...

I realize they're everywhere now, but my fondest G-burg attraction will always be the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum. It was the second one constructed (1970) and the first one I ever set foot in (I'm up to eight now). I was heartbroken when I returned in '92 to find it freshly destroyed by a fire (along with a haunted house called House of Seven Gables). But Ripley's reopened in 1995 and it's twice as big now. Here's another '80s pamphlet...


And one from later on...


And here's a current shot of the museum...


The town seems to be turning into Ripleyburg nowadays. There's the Ripley's 4-D theater, two Ripley's mini golf courses, two lackluster Ripley arcades, the Ripley's Haunted Adventure...

Photo from 2002

and the massive Ripley's aquarium...

I know of several aquariums that light their jellyfish like this. It does make for good photos.

The place is nice but to tell ya the truth I was sort of hoping that their aquarium would have incorporated some extra Ripley's magic to set it apart from others. Maybe I was expecting some freak show fish, or some genius fish or I don't know.. something. But I didn't see even a single Ripley sketch in the building. Unless they start taking some tips from Disney they're well on their way to completely watering down their brand. They've got "Ripley's Old Macdonald's Farm Mini Golf" for crying out loud. Where did this needless barnyard theme come from? How does that have anything to do with Mr. Ripley? How much cooler would it have been to golf around the classic Ripley oddities?

I hope Robert L. Ripley's ghost haunts this place something awful.

Anyway, regardless of the current commercial rampage, in my book the original museum will always stand among the greats when it comes to touristy intrigue.

On my recent visit there were two long awaited attractions that I finally coughed up admission for. Both remain practically unchanged since the day I pulled into town over twenty years ago. The first is called Ober Gatlinburg (That's "Over Gatlinburg" to you non-German speaking folk.)

Like I said, the logo, the signs, and the building were identical two decades ago. I love that. It's as though all these years it's been thinking "If I just stay true to myself, eventually some appreciative young man will come around and patronize me." I'm glad that I finally got the hint.

Their ambitious roster of summer activities includes ice skating, concrete bob sledding, a sky lift, a mini amusement park and the expected shops and eateries. I've steered clear of this place in the past because for one, you have to take a ten dollar, fifteen-minute air tram ride before you even get to see the park grounds and I figured that by then you're at the point of no return.

This street level atrium is where you catch a tram up to the full resort. As I walked through I felt like I was on the set of Logan's Run.

I've always assumed that their business model depended on isolating customers up on a mountain and then showing no mercy on their pocketbooks. In truth it was quite reasonable. Three hours of ice skating was $7.50. (I'd be surprised if many tourist's ankles can withstand half that time.) And their Chair Lift appeared twice as long and was half the price of the Sky Lift back on main street...

Admission: $12.00

Ober Admission: $6.00

Ice skate til you die.

Nothing special here. Sometimes it's just good to take a gander at a classic tourist-town pizza stand. Pizza and vacation. Woodgrain panels and pizza. Vacation and woodgrain panels. It all works.

That first trip with my grandparents was also monumental for me because that's when I decided to start my own collection of commercially manufactured pranks. (if you don't count the Mechanical Servant machine I blogged about way back when.) There were just too many places selling too many classic jokes to resist. But these days it seems as if retail racks of gags and magic are an endangered species. So it was nice to discover this display (bearing my own package designs no less!) in an Ober puzzle shop...


The second previously uncharted amusement that I finally conquered is called World of Illusions...



If you inspect this old pamphlet closely you can see how the place used to look. (It had sort of an athletic club elegance) If you compare it to the modern snapshot below you'll notice the exterior now boasts a slew of modifications.. the faux airplane, some colorful flags, dayglow yellow paint, a string of lights and a magician that never shows up inside...



See that yellow "Now Open" banner? In the olden days crowds clustered in front of that window because it was home to a 'genie in a bottle' illusion. An actress (concealed somewhere on the premises) was projected into a small glass bottle and she could communicate with curious gawkers by way of hidden microphones.

My Grandpa specifically warned me about this exhibit from the moment I first saw it. The concept was incredibly enticing to me but after hearing my grandparents speak of it so harshly (based on their previous experience with the place), my interest was stifled. Their heavy-handed advice stuck with me throughout subsequent Gatlinburg visits, but this time destiny took over and I eagerly paid the $7.00 entry fee. Actually, before swiping my debit card the lady in the booth rather harshly insisted on seeing my identification. Is it common for thieves to rush over to the World of Illusions right after a successful purse-snatching?

Before I walked in I took a moment to admire the assortment of life-size figures tucked beneath the canopy which are designed to beckon foot traffic...

(Publicity photo. Now Picard is elsewhere.)

It's a veritable history of summer blockbusters in wax. Members included Doc from Back to the Future, Gollum, Neo from The Matrix, young Anikin Skywalker, Harry Potter, and Mini-Me. I'm guessing they invest in a new one every few seasons. It's a telling display of the establishment's continuing struggle to appear culturally relevant. But once you enter the building you've seen the last of the modern icons.

An excited buzz hit me as I ventured into the dark hallway. I looked through a Plexiglas window in the wall and faced my first optical deception...

Hmmm. Looks like a wizard. He seems to be on his side moving up and down with the aid of some mechanical device. Well, the device is unseen. I suppose that does technically qualify this as an illusion.

The next one was a bit more satisfying, but not by much...

A slowly flickering strobe light revealed a Frankenstein's Monster outside a window behind a little girl. (An illusion in the loosest sense of the word.) Standing to the left of the girl is what appeared to be a scientist or a doctor. This baffling detail was even more unsettling.

Next I encountered a series of framed displays that revealed the secrets behind various kiddie magic tricks! This is wrong on so many levels.


Then there was a mannequin that changed into a "beast." (looks Werewolf-ish to me)


I give them bonus points for including classic movie monsters. Anyway, I photographed one more before my camera battery died, but it's a corker. Witness Superman (with a Beatle cut) using his x-ray vision to see Lois Lane's panties...


After about eight more "illusions" I pushed open a door to the next leg of the museum.. or so I thought. I was shocked to discover that this turned out to be the exit back onto the street. Despite all the warnings I was dumbfounded by the lack of content. Especially when you consider that it's called world of illusions as opposed to "Pithy, Dimly-Lit Hallway of Illusions." The entire exhibit was maybe 25 yards long. At once I walked back to the beginning and re-looked at every sorry trick. I quickly reached the exit once again and my grandfather's words "Rip-Off" flashed in my mind. But then a few minutes later came the words 'quaint' and 'charming' and 'sort of cool.' I've since theorized that were I to have actually gone inside when I was a kid, today I would view it as a dear, nostalgic refuge.

The whole "Got-yer-money, sucker!" mentality is pretty fascinating to me. It takes a certain kind of person to pull it off year after year. I wonder how they justify it to themselves. I wonder how the cranky lady responds to requests for refunds. You just know she has an ironclad defense in place. Interesting how the owners of this joint have decided to put so much effort into the deceptive veneer rather than simply beefing up the payoff (though I realize space is limited) or heaven forbid, lowering admission fees.
At this stage in life, I take a certain joy in getting duped by outfits like this. The key is knowing that it's coming, and I get a kick out of playing into the ruse. Plus it's well worth the money for the goofy snapshots and a new story to tell; or blog post as it were. And speaking of which, I think I'll end this post as abruptly as the conclusion of the World of Illusions tour. Happy travels to you.

UPDATE: Todd at Neatocoolville just posted some great 1970s Gatlinburg brochures! Check them out here.



P.S. I just ordered Tim Hollis' new book on the pre-1980s Smokey Mountain tourist scene. Can't wait for it to arrive...

You can get it at Amazon.