October 20, 2017

HALLOWEEN TAPE REVIEW #20: Horrible Sounds of Halloween (Green text version)

Title: Horrible Sounds of Halloween (Green text version)
Manufacturer: Tony (U.S.A.) Inc.
Year: Unknown
Total Runtime: 45 Min

Repeats on both sides: Yes (Plus it repeats multiple times on each side.)
Stories: No
Music: No
Narration: No
Distinct Audio: See below
Review: The school bell's going to ring in ten minutes, and where's Sid? Here he comes! Oh, yes, he finally remembered to bring his Horrible Sounds of Halloween tape for the big trade. It's different from the one you already have, even though it has the same name. This one has green letters and Sid guarantees that it's not the same effects as the one you bought last Halloween; the one that has the guy who yells "Boo!" at the meowing cat.

You didn't entirely believe that the tape was real until he pulled it out of his backpack. (What a terrible way to transport a cassette. You're lucky the tape didn't get tangled in his notebooks!) But the tape is now yours—at a hefty price. You're already missing your copy of "Famous Monsters of Filmland" #171, but the promise of a new Halloween record in your modest personal library outweighs the sacrifice.

Your obsession with the new tape turns the day into a marathon. In third period you nearly get it confiscated for having it out during a lecture. Lunchtime is wasted as you wander the school parking lot trying to work up the courage to ask one of the high school students to play it in their car stereo. It doesn't happen.

During fifth hour you write out a list of sound effects that you'd put on the perfect Halloween tape. Yours would include a haunted video arcade and authentic sounds from "The Creature from the Black Lagoon." Your decision to reexamine the tape on the bus ride home turns out to be a mistake. You let down your guard for a moment and that lug Jarred snatches it in his filthy hands. You can thank the all-seeing eye of Bonnie the bus driver for intervening.

But now you're in the safety of your bedroom and nothing stands between you and your 'jam box.' You press play....
Oh, thank goodness, Sid was right! You can already tell that this isn't like the black lettered one.
Wait. This does sound a bit familiar.
That heartbeat, and that music. This is the heartbeat tape that you already have! It looks different but it's the same thing!  As your eyes begin to water you notice that it's not exactly the same— it's worse! They doubled up the audio and now the heartbeats are all out of sync, just a constant budda budda budda. They added some other junk to it too, but it's just awful.

You press the stop button.
You wonder if Sid will do a trade-back.

Rating: 1 of 5

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