October 03, 2007


Fact: 92% of all fake spider web is misused. Which is to say, once it is applied it bears no resemblance to anything that has ever come out of a spider's body. Typically the result is an eyesore that brings shame upon the household who has desecrates their front porch with it.

If you're reading this, you're probably contemplating putting up a bit of the old 'natures fly trap' this year. So before you ruin Halloween, let's take a look at some real life examples of the right and wrong ways to hang imitation webbing...

Wrong. Very, very wrong.

Right. A real object of beauty!

Wrong. Just painfully so.

Right (for the most part).


Could be worse, but still pretty bad.

Wrong. And never mix web styles.

As you are distributing your web, you may find it helpful to think about it this way:
If you were a real spider and your entire food supply depended upon the performance of this single web, how would you approach it? Would you toss it all in a pile in hopes that a feeble-minded insect might happen to step in it? I'm betting you wouldn't. I have a feeling that you would stretch those fibers to the farthest ends of the porch, making every effort to cover as much space as possible with your precious natural net. Now, back to the examples...

Wrong– well, maybe if it were a giant mutated spider. On second thought I suppose this one is passable.

6.5 out of a possible 10

Oh, no you didn't.


Not too shabby

Spider web, or drapes and a hammock?

Not the best, but some real potential here.

A pure abomination.
The absolute worst is when the little wavy ripples are still visible.

So impeccable, it fooled a real spider!
Something for all of us to strive for.

After you finish applying your fake spider web, examine your handiwork and answer the following questions...

(1) What appears to have taken place?
A. One or more spiders have found a location to dwell
B. Two dogs just fought over a pillow
C. A bank of fog just rolled in
D. A cotton field exploded
E. Santa shaved on your porch

Correct Answer: A

(2) Did you use more than one bag?
A. No
B. Yes, and I ran out so quickly that I'm about to drive back to the party shop

Correct Answer: A
Nobody has any business purchasing more than one package per Halloween season. If a bag lasts two or more years then you're on the right track.

And lastly, an essay question...
(3) How do spiders benefit our ecosystem? With that in mind, did you honor nature's exterminators, or did you disgrace them?

This year lets all web responsibly!
A public service announcement brought to you by the Secret Fun Spot.


Sparkle Plenty said...

Great PSA. Yet, I think you neglected to mention a key point: "Please. Don't drink and web." This might explain many of the worst offenders you depict here.

Am adding a link to your blog on my blog. Everyone must see your crucial webbing guidelines this season, as well as your outstanding article re: the Phantasmagoria.


*I grew up with tatted webs made by grandma. Of course, I longed for the bagged stuff and recoiled from the notion of "spider doilies." Ungrateful lil' wretch!

Kirk D. said...

Hey, thanks for the link. No telling how many lives you just saved.
You're probably right about the drinking. Probably some crack users in the bunch too.
Your gradma's webs had heart and that's what's really important.

Steven Altis said...

Spider webbing is becoming to Halloween what Christmas tree icicles are to Christmas... some people clump, have always clumped and will never be persuaded from their clumping ways no matter how many PSA you throw at them. I hate to be the cynical voice in this time of holiday joy, but you just can't save everybody.

Max the drunken severed head said...

Greatest PSA EVER.

Anonymous said...

I'm certianly glad for the PSA. Sadly I've never known the ways of the fake spider webs, my parents raised me in a strict no fake web house.

But, since I didn't grow up with Christmas Tree icicles either, I think I'm going to start a new tradition of webbing up my Christmas tree. Oh wait, that would probably fall under a 'don't'...

Sparkle Plenty said...

Aw, man! You're a funny bunch! I'll be back. :-)

And: You're right, Kirk, my grandma's webs had oodles of heart--she was a pip. As a monster-liking kid, it was just hard not to imagine the tatted webs better-decorating the back of an armchair, you know?

Flashfink! said...

These photos remind me of the pictures I've seen of webs made by spiders who had been fed drugs. The craziest looking ones were produced by spiders on caffeine - but they were still better than what most humans could create.

Dane said...

Speaking of spiders weaving while on caffeine, this is pretty funny.

And while I'm a screaming arachnophobe, I have to say, this is a very well done PSA. If you're going to go to the trouble of putting up web to scare me badly and make me do the spider dance for an hour, do it right. Don't make me raise a mocking eyebrow at your throwing fistfuls of cotton candy glop at a wall.

Kirk D. said...

steven- I'm getting a strange impression that YOU are a clumper. Admit it, you clump! It's OK, you just need to get some help is all.

thanks max!

Shawn- then I guess it's safe to assume there's no way you were permitted to use spray-on snow.
Smart parents.

flashfink- I thought I had seen the pics you referred to and then I realized I was just thinking of the video dane posted. A true classic!

I hate 'em too dane. Using bad web technique is like trying to rob someone with a gun made of yarn.

Anonymous said...

Three words:



Unknown said...

I used my very first bag of fake webs last year. (Only one bag covered our entire yard). I had no idea what I was doing, but I completely nailed it! Lol. I couldn't ever understand why everyone elses "webs" looked so ridiculous. We were deprived as kids, no fake webs or spray snow.,. I swore I wouldn't put my kids through that sadness. So I am doing some right now, lets hope I didn't jinx myself into a winter wonderland. Haha
Thanks for making me laugh!!!

Kirk D. said...

Katie- You're one of the good ones. Generally I'm not a snobbish person, but I still can't help but shake my head when I see porches covered in what looks like soap suds. Thanks for doing halloween right. I'm glad you enjoyed the article!