October 17, 2006
HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: SKELETON #15
We've reached the halfway point of this roller coaster ride of a countdown. Between now and number one there's a commendable line-up of skeletons awaiting to haunt you. No filler, just calcium enriched goodness. But first, lets take a moment to dip into the mailbag.
This letter comes all the way from Livingston, Texas. It says..
When I was a boy my father and I traveled our great nation with a small carnival. We ran a portable dark ride called the "Geisterhaus" which means something like "Ghost House" in Germany. It folded neatly into a tractor trailer that was driven by our good pal Mickey. The ride scared those teenage punks to death, and we all know they deserved it for crying out loud.
My pop didn't have a lot of cash for babbysitters or nothing so he'd just put me in our spook ride for hours and hours every night. It was real scary at first but I got real brave over time. I didn't have no friends so I ended up becoming best buds with this skeleton that I named Gordon. He wore a ratty cloak, and we were closer than brothers. (we even fought sometimes just like brothers)
Well, my pop has come on hard times lately and he had to sell that old Ghost House along with Gordon too. Some ******* teenager got out of his carriage and got shocked and he sued my father for all he had. So anyway I'd like to dedicate one of your skeletons to my dear old dad. His name is Monty. And it would be extra special if you had one that wore a cloak or something.
By the way, I'm writing this from prison.
You got it Chris! Moving up the charts to the number fifteen slot, it's... skeleton number fifteen!
Monty, this one's for you!
Glow-in-the-Dark?: Technically yes- his head is a flashlight
Place of Origin: Toys "R" Us
Rib Count: Unknown (covered in shrouds)
Celebrity Look-alike: Zippy the pinhead
Description: You read it correctly, his head is equipped with a light bulb. Why, you ask? Because there's an ink pen pointing out of his skull, and the light enables you to write in the dark!! Please take a moment to wrap your mind around it all.
So one might assume this fact would grant him "ultimate skeleton" status in my mind. In truth, his existence only places ideas in my head concerning the unmet potential of toy skeletons in general. For instance, why didn't they at least embed a digital clock in his chest? Why doesn't he play MP3s? Why don't his hands contain vaccine for minor diseases?
Additional Info: A word to both current and future parents.. if you and your spouse ever drop the kids off at their grandma's on your way to an exciting day trip in Tulsa and later return to find that your son is irritable, angry and making accusations of abandonment.. the above item is guaranteed to eliminate any bitterness harbored by the youngster.
Cause of Death: Dead battery