DIME STORE HALLOWEEN #2

Naturally, the concept of a disguise kit held tremendous appeal when I was a kid. The right disguise can grant you access and privileges, and can even save your life in certain situations. Trouble was that no disguise kit I could afford was really serious about the matter. For example, the set seen above is a pure mockery. For starters there's the mustache. Might I remind you that children are not capable of growing facial hair. A real disguise is supposed to be undetectable as opposed to one that garners laughter. The glasses would have been fine had the eyebrows not been sculpted into the frames. And I shan't dignify those teeth with even a comment.

Here's another case...

A knock off of a rip-off of the Groucho glasses. One still wonders how the red mustache came into play.

Traveler's Bloody Eye is pretty great. Though the header card seems to suggest an unexpected effect— the wearer turns into a fanged, long-haired ghoul that boasts bleach-white eyeballs.


And if you want a bloody face to match your eye, one of these should suffice...


Moving on to teeth, this first specimen features my favorite product slogan in the history of commerce. It's a phrase that is totally quotable and can be worked into most any conversation with surprising ease—"Looks Life-Like in a Dopy Sort of Way." I laugh even as I type it.

(For those wondering, Dopy is an accepted variant of Dopey.)
And hey, stop worrying— "Will Fit Right In Mouth."

There is one way to avoid any unintentionally funny captions...

That's really all you need to know— wear these and you will look like a terrifying quaker, and your lips.. sensational. The sad truth is that over the years, plastic vampire fangs have evolved into a far less pointy state. Modern versions sport mere nubs compared to the flesh-piercing choppers of yesteryear. In fact, both this pair and the dopy ones are actually so sharp they punctured their plastic baggies.

Want to work every member of the family into a fit of laughter? Try Gory Fangs. Or go with fangs that are completely free of gore and still call them gory, what's the difference? I liked this shot so much that I turned it into some desktop wallpaper, just in case you want to replace your tired old Sleepy Hollow background. If you put this image on your screen you will see that it looks practically life-like! Well, in a dopy sort of way.

Click on the photo above for 1024 x 768 wallpaper. Cinema monitor size (1680 x 1050) is available here.