Oh, how they mocked me for saving the backs of my action figure blister packs through the decades, but now....now my master plan has come to fruition! Now I am the Keeper of the Knowledge of the card backs...and the power is all mine! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Click on any image to make it giant-size! Hit 'refresh' if all the images don't load.)
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Wow, seventy-seven figures seemed like a lot. Today you can add over one thousand more to your checklist. They were the rise of
Kenner and the fall of the
Mego cooperation who declined to handle the license. It's pretty amazing that Kenner's
Star Wars toys turned out to be as revolutionary as the film itself. This list would look entirely different without them. While the 12-inch G.I. Joe and the
Mego Superheros still seemed like dolls with their pajama-like removable clothing, the
Star Wars line truly lived up to the name "action figure."
I'm still perplexed by the arrangement of the figures seen here. This is something I spent many childhood hours trying to decode. Sure, the ones from
Jedi are all at the bottom but the rest are a mishmash. A Bespin Guard next to a Tusken Raider? Vader next to Yoda?! There are so many missed opportunities: they could have been organized by film, or by allegiance, or release date, or planet of origin, or age... I must stop. I told myself I wouldn't do this again.
(Note the ravaged bottom right corner where the proof of purchase was removed.)
If you like this image you may be interested in
a print of a later
Kenner photo shoot by photographer Kim Simmons.
Super Powers Collection (1985) I grew up a Marvel apologist so it is only now that I can finally admit how excellent
Kenner's Super Powers collection is. Their perfect sculpts and vivid colors make them look like they
leapt straight out of a comic. Yet the Achilles' heel of the collection is the ridiculous Justice Jogger (seen in the bottom right corner). Why a "jogger" for Superman when he can run around the Earth in an instant? Is this a commentary on our judicial system? It's been described as Superman's La-Z-Boy. It even has a protective transparent visor— what, for his hair? Oh, it's super alright—
superflous. (Zing!)
Secret Wars (1984)
Hey, Mattel, is this the best you could do for us Marvel lovers? The figures look pretty good, but many of them have identical bodies and identical guns. And the whole shield thing is atrocious. Wolverine would never carry around some giant, bright red, mystic shield that tells the future. Even the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn't tote these shields. They even dared to replace Captain America's trademark star shield?! And they picked
Kang the Conqueror as one of the first eight figures? Be sure to enlarge this one and check out the printing job that they did too.
TRON (1982)
What cool toys and what a cool photo. Could these be the first translucent action figures? More recently toy makers have used this technique for all sorts of ghosts and invisible characters, not to mention annoying "rare variants." The ones in the photo must be prototypes because the real TRON figures didn't have corpse-like white faces. I'm glad.
Thundercats (1986) And then there's
Panthro. He uses
nunchakus! But that is not all— his
nunchakus HAVE CLAWS ON THEM! I was double-sold.
Thundercats Miniatures (1986) Poor
KidWorks toy company. Looks like they had such high hopes for this line. That many accessories for a collection of miniatures is unheard of! Now
KidWorks is no more. Oh, I did my part; I bought one. Where where you when they needed you?!
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (1983)
This arrangement always confused me. The four guys in the amazing painting are articulated action figures while the hunks of plastic in the photo are "Monster Adventure Figures" from a completely different company, and they're frozen in their poses. Somehow I ended up with some of both and I became the laughing stock of every dungeon master on my block; which is to say nobody. I still had fun with these even though playing with them made me a suicidal occultist.
Robotech (1985)
Always be suspicious when they only show you illustrations of the other figures. In this case the real things weren't too bad, but it's still a good rule to live by.
Universal Monsters (1980)
These are among my very favorite figures, but a black and white photo? Well, I suppose that
is how they originally appeared in the movies, but it doesn't get any cheaper looking than this.
The Legend Bruce LeeI spoke too soon. Chuck Norris would never settle for this treatment.
The Other World (1983)
I scored nearly this entire collection from the clearance rack for just a few bucks. It wasn't long before the local Salvation Army scored my entire collection for free. I wholeheartedly tried to immerse myself in the mysterious Other World where
Raidy the King presumably likes to raid and where they're not afraid to name their two headed maniac
Skitzo (though Multiple Personality
Disordero would be a more scientifically accurate name.) But these weren't real action figures, they were rubbery wire-frame
bendys and my standards were just too lofty at the time. They did score points for the ever-smiling, little orange
Yipps (I held on to one) and I liked that all their weapons glowed in the dark.
The Real Ghostbusters (1986)
Their tag line strikes me as funny, "Join the Real Ghostbusters in their ghost-chasing pursuits!" It seems downright academic compared to what it would be now, something like "Bustin 2 the X-treme makes me feel goooood!" By the time these arrived Kenner had proven themselves masters in the art of action figuring. I'm still not comfortable with the different colored coveralls, just as I frowned upon the Ninja Turtles getting different colored masks, but I suppose I understand the logic. The proton packs were well designed, but there was no easy way to remove the "particle stream" so the guys were constantly shooting each other.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1988)
I got my first real job, landscaping, when I was sixteen years old. Soon as I received my first paycheck I promptly cashed it and took the money to Wal-Mart where I purchased the first ten Ninja Turtle figures and a radar detector.
Robocop (1988)
Quite a bit of kiddie entertainment in the 1980s was derived from R-rated source material such as Rambo, Police Academy, Commando, and most astonishingly, The Toxic Avenger. This was frustrating to kids like myself who didn't have lax parents. Kenner pioneered the trend when they produced their 18-inch figure based on Ridley Scott's Alien in 1979. Getting the Robocop figure didn't contribute to my delinquency but watching the movie at the drive-in with my friend and his lax mother may have.
Swamp Thing (1990)
1990? Sorry Swampy, you're not welcome in this list. Wait, before you go I must say that your lame villains look like they stuck finger puppets on their heads.
Donkey Kong (1982) Before the princess, Mario dated Pauline. Now you know. I always thought it was freaky that she was playing a game of Donkey Kong. These days they call that being "meta."
Pac-Man (1982) Some creative liberties were definitely taken here for the sake of a buck: groom
Pac-Man... dead
Pac-Man? It all paints a pretty bleak picture- he eats, he's chased, he gets married, he dies.
Pee-Wee's Playhouse (1988)
This is a fantastic set. On a packaging note, it's odd that half of the products advertised are merely described with text. It's not an effective choice because I literally owned this figure for twenty years before I read those descriptions.
Hmmm, all that stuff sounded really good; I'd better go hit ebay.
M*A*S*H* (1982)
This is the series that's known for bringing the first cross-dressing character to the toy shelves. I bought this one when I was a teenager so I can't imagine how children would actually play with these figures. They only make slightly more sense than the Love Boat figures that came out around the same time. However, mixing the two sets would have been epic.
Masters of the Universe (1981)
Did you notice right away that this package is a reproduction? Good. I was just testing you.
G.I. Joe (1989)
If you must know why I held out on G.I. Joe until the late 80s it's because of one tiny detail— rivets. The four-inch Joes had shiny metal joints on their shoulders, and having grown so accustomed to Star Wars figures with their seamless, yet permanently stiff arms, I found the new approach too aesthetically distracting. For years I remained in denial of the fact that the cool poses they were capable of far outweighed the flaw. But it's just as well, I was able to focus on my precious Star Wars without having my resources divided among the two competing franchises.
Eventually Hasbro took over Star Wars and added full, rivet-less articulation to them while removing the metal eyesores from their G.I. Joe line, all proving that there is hope for humanity.
Captain Power (1987)
This was part of a huge and expensive endeavor to combine a toy line with an interactive live-action television show. The show
seemed pretty cool but it tanked for
numerous reasons, thus I got this one for a song at the local Kay-Bee. I like how the package is supposed to look like printer paper with holes for those old "tractor feed" printers.
Beetlejuice (1989)
Can you spot Kenner's conspiracy to punish the casual Beetlejuice fan? Imagine that you want a Beetlejuice—just a plain Beetlejuice. Not one dressed like an artist, or one with a head that looks like a merry-go-round, or a groom— just the normal one. Yeah, there it is, the one pictured with the Vanishing Vault. It doesn't exist! Unless of course you buy Showtime Beetlejuice and stick its head on Spinhead Beetlejuice. Then you're forced to piece together the unwanted remnants to form a horrendous groom-body/carousel-head guy. Well, I guess you could give that one to your cousin and he'd probably be totally grateful.
Defenders of the Earth (1985)
When these came out I was really rooting for them. I liked the idea that a bunch of characters that our grandfathers were excited about could please a new generation. But I'm not sure of how successful they were. On one hand they made sixty-five episodes of the cartoon, and Marvel did a comic of them, but on the other I bought all mine on super-clearance. Regardless, Mandrake is the coolest magician action figure ever.
The Interchangables (1985)
If you thought these were called Micronauts it's because they were before the Mego company folded and sold the molds to Hourtoy. If you thought these were called Microman it's because you are Japanese and that's what they were before Mego introduced them to the United States. Rather than upholding the legacy of the originals Hourtoy shamed them by using inferior plastic and changing the contents of the sets.
As a kid I was baffled and even a bit frightened of the Micronauts toy line. They looked cool, but they lacked visual coherence. Who was the main character? Why did their vehicles look so stupid and come with weird spare pieces? Were they puzzles or toys? All I did know is that they were cold, eerie, and super skinny so I fled. Hoping to gain some understanding I bought the Marvel comic book, but it confused me even more with its slew of characters that weren't part of the toy line. When I grew older still, I bought this "Cosmic Warp Chamber" in another attempt to make sense of it all. It only filled me with more questions, and there was no internet to sooth my mental turmoil.
Star Trek: The Next Generation (1988)
Sheesh, these things are worthless now. Back in the day everyone thought that the legions of Trekkies would keep them in permanent high demand. I just looked this one up on ebay and there's a completed auction for ninety-nine cents that got zero bids. I remember being instructed to snatch up a Tasha Yar if I was ever lucky enough to find one. In a recent auction she couldn't pull in $4.70 or best offer.
Say, what's up with Worf's photo? Is he in front of a blue screen? What a joke!
Okay, okay, I take that back. Sorry, I'm just a little bitter about these; they were supposed to be in lieu of a 401k plan.
Nightmare Warriors (1983)
This is such a wonderful B-grade line; an obvious attempt at tricking grandmas into thinking they are Skeletor's brothers. The set includes some of history's most interesting characters, only dead. I like that there's room for both a Roman soldier and a medieval knight, A less subtle toy company might have just thrown a wizard or an astronaut into the mix. I notice that they opted not to name the U.S. soldier after anybody real. Is it "too soon" after the world wars?
(There's a nice post on these at
Weirdo Toys.)
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