HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: SKELETON #27

As you may have noticed the Skeleton Countdown doesn't actually span linearly from worst to best (in relation to my scientific ratings.) With the exception of the number one slot (which is reserved for my favorite skeleton) I thought it would be more interesting if visitors had no preconceptions as to just how great or pathetic a skeleton will be on any given day. Now on with the countdown...

Era: 2000s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: No
Place of Origin: Unknown
Rib Count: 16
Celebrity Look-alike: Ed Sullivan
Description: There's something inherently right about a skeleton made of rubber. I think it's because real skeletons are intended for structure and protection, and therefore a rubber one is the embodiment of irony (as well as pointlessness, and awesomeness). Nearly everyone has the "sense memory" of the way it feels to hold a rubber skeleton. Try to summon yours right now. I'll bet you can easily perceive it's slight weight and feel its legs in your grip as the top-heavy torso cascades over the back of your hand.. the skull dangling over your knuckles. Your brain knows exactly what it feels like to run your finger down the rib cage, and the angle each rib bows before it snaps back into place like a thick, haunted guitar string. If the room is quiet enough fingering the ribs will produce the faintest of sounds... thp-thp-thp-thp-thp-thp-thp.
This is how they speak to you. What are they saying?
Usually they are whispering...
"help... me... please."

Back to the skeleton at hand.. looks like somebody got a bit paint-happy with this guy. It's as if they thought all the joints needed oil or something. Even after the job was done the overzealous painter was still dissatisfied and opted to add an extra eye, which is kind of cool because the early traces of a third eye suggests the makings of a triclops.
Additional Info: How can one own a skeleton and not know where it came from? Easy... that just means that it's a magical skeleton.
Cause of Death: Run over by several cars
Rating: 7.2

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: SKELETON #28

Era: 1960s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: No
Place of Origin: Unsold dime store stock
Rib Count: 16
Celebrity Look-alike: Tom Waits
Description: This skeleton is of some historical significance because an assembly-line worker was churning out this model and discovered they could cut their eye-painting time in half by simply blasting the entire face with their airbrush. "Hey, the boss said he wanted both eyes to be black.. well, they're black.* " The higher-ups were stumped by this technicality and it seemed that their hands were tied until they struck upon the realization that they could fire the insubordinate on the grounds of excessive paint overuse. This sort of scenario is a typical occurrence in the high stakes world of novelty skeleton production.
[*Translated from Chinese]
This design gets points for being so streamlined.. it proves that the pelvis is really just a waste of space. It's globbiness is strangely appealing, as if he's made of sweet vanilla icing. Best of all, his head is turnable for hours of additional fun.
Additional Info: This was part of a lot that was gifted to me by a retired police officer who has a dream of opening a soda fountain that sells vintage dime store toys. Naturally, I wish him the best in this endeavor and once it's complete I shall certainly visit.
Cause of Death: Exploding cigar
Rating: 8.1

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: SKELETON #29

Era: 2000s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: Yes
Place of Origin: Dick's 5 & 10, Branson, MO
Rib Count: 12
Celebrity Look-alike: Gary Coleman or Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons
Description: Frankly, I'm quite angered that this is the first entry in the countdown that glows in the dark because it should be an absolute that EVERY skeleton MUST glow in the dark (even real ones.) Anyway, this skeleton actually serves as a keychain, and I think that's a great idea. Woah there.. you need to just sit back down and stop calling me a hypocrite because I lambasted skeleton #30 for being part earring. Here's the difference between this noble creature and that other petty piece of plastic... this one saves lives! Can you think of a better way to bear in mind the consequences of the old "lead foot" than a key fob made of human remains? Plus, his message glows on throughout the night!
Additional Info: Purchased just last year, this is the newest skeleton in all the countdown.
Cause of Death: Spine crushed by the weight of the head
Rating: 8.7 (if it weren't a keychain..5.6)

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: SKELETON #30

Era: 1990s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: No
Place of Origin: Discount store
Rib Count: 10
Celebrity Look-alike: Alfred E. Neuman
Description: Well, what's to say about this snappy little fellow? I guess I'd better think of something because there are twenty-nine more after this one. This guy is a part of the "Metal Linking Ring" family of skeletons which became all the rage among skeleton-makers in the 1990s. He was originally part of an earring, so a good dangle was the primary goal (while painting both eyes was not). He's got some stuff going for him.. acceptable design, compact size, a winning grin. But the fact that it was intended as jewelry somehow detracts from its very essence. Search deep in yourself.. get in touch with your seventh (or eighth) sense, (whichever it is that can sense stuff about skeleton photos.) I'm betting you can actually feel the fact that this item was not created to simply exist as a skeleton. And there's something highly disturbing about that.
Additional Info: Fortunately for me, this skeleton was more durable than the ear-clamping device that it once attached to because I inherited him after the mechanism broke.
Cause of Death: Head injury
Rating: 5.8

HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN: SKELETON #31

Welcome to the official Secret Fun Blog Halloween countdown 2006! We'll be showcasing the top 31 rubber and plastic skeletons in the nation during the entire month of October. Let's get on with the countdown shall we? Just barely charting at number 31 it's... this skeleton!

Era: 1980s
Glow-in-the-Dark?: No
Place of Origin: Vending machine
Rib Count: At least 26
Celebrity Look-alike: That man who set the worlds record for smoking the most cigarettes at once.
Description: We're really starting at the bottom here as this specimen is, in a word: deplorable. It's hard to know where to begin to criticize this disaster. For one, it scarcely occupies all three dimensions with it's flat, unrendered backside. The legs will eternally bend to one direction. The hands look like veiny sunflower seeds and the feet resemble misshapen polo mallets. But the totally inexcusable feature has got to be its mouthful of senseless protrusions. Were these somehow necessary to the manufacturing process? I have thirty more skeletons that prove otherwise. What, are you supposed to use him as a rubber toothbrush? I'm going to be sick.
Additional Info: I can't remember exactly how I wound up with this wreck, but it's crook suggests a great deal of time in a vending capsule. I've always found this trinket hard to look at, but its sheer skeleton-ness has saved it from the rubbish heap.
Cause of Death: Embarrassment
Rating: 2.6

BEGINNING THIS SUNDAY...

For the past few years I've enjoyed the annual Halloween countdown over at X-Entertainment, so this year I've decided to try one of my own. So start wiping off your eyes and prepare yourself for thirty-one consecutive 'countdown' posts throughout October in addition to a number of typical 'secret fun' posts. This countdown will have an extremely narrow focus, and it's not half as great as the official logo (pictured above) might suggest, but it's certain to delight anyone who enjoys that which is tedious and inconsequential.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #4

My latest fake weeble is the moosiest moose you know.. Marty Moose. There's a good chance that you recognize him as the head mascot for Wally World, the fictitious theme park from the movie National Lampoon's Vacation.
Why Marty? Well, Vacation has been one of my favorite flicks since I first saw it in the days of yore. And since there's a Mickey Mouse weeble, it stands to reason that Marty have a pseudo weeble to go with his pseudo theme park. It seemed fitting to model him after the Mickey weeble which had a "floating" face and three dimensional ears.

For me there was a mystery surrounding the Vacation movie that nobody in my younger years could seem to answer. The question I posed to all my friends and family was... "What does National Lampoon's mean?" The culture I lived in, consisting of mid-American children and families, wasn't really the target audience for such a publication so the people in my life honestly had no idea. My dad told me what the word 'lampoon' meant, which led me to wonder who or what is "National" and why is it making fun of vacation? Many months later a clue surfaced at Wal-Mart in the form of a paperback called National Lampoon's DOON...




Having been schooled by Wacky Packages I understood that this was a parody of Dune, and I was a bit shocked that it wasn't simply a funny cover.. the joke lasted for hundreds of pages! I loved that this was sort of a living Wacky Package, however my National Lampoon quandary became even more perplexing.

A trip to B. Dalton in the nearby mall would provide another lead. I saw the cover of an issue of the National Lampoon magazine, but it was way up on the top shelf. So my confusion remained until the day my friend Greg let me leaf through one of his dad's copies. I gleefully flipped through its pages and...I really didn't get it then. Chevy Chase was nowhere to be found, and while a handful of risqué images were conspicuous to say the least, it didn't really qualify as a "dirty book." To me, it was just weird, kind of like Mad, but with too many words. So I guess I can't really pinpoint any moment of revelation, I guess I figured things out over time (which is a really boring way to end this tale.) But somehow I learned more about the magazine and the fact that Vacation was based on a story that John Hughes wrote for it called Vacation '58. (For more information see the Wikipedia.) However, I must say I never have figured out what Mad Magazine had to do with Up The Academy.

MYSTERY SCORE

Fun Blog reader Brian O. introduced me to Mystery Score, an amazing looking monster themed electro-mechanical arcade machine from 1965.
As you can see, the backglass and side art graphics are wonderful.
Click here for more photos and information. The rest of the site is fun too.
Thanks Brian!

THE DINOSARTIST

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There are sights that I begin to anticipate each time I drive into the parking lot of an interstate Stuckey's.. Pecan Logs, 3 for $10 t-shirts, and if I'm lucky, a flocked Jack-a-lope bank. But fifteen years ago on a road trip to New Orleans I encountered more than I had ever hoped for in a rest stop.. I discovered the work of art that you see pictured above.

While the piece is officially untitled it could best be described as a chain of plastic souvenir dinosaurs achieved with a series of crammings of tails into mouths. I welled up with joy when I first approached it. The clerk must have been confused by my laughter, followed by my dash to the car for the camera, followed by more laughter. I stood and puzzled at the mental process behind such a funny and unexpected result, and I delighted in the thought of some unbridled virtuoso standing there, taking the time to assemble this plastic feeding parade. It was practically made for me.. it connects three components that I've always been fond of: Stuckey's, cheap toys from China, and the creative spirit.

When the engineer of this accomplishment left Stuckey's they left the fate of their work in the sticky hands of vacationing children. Fortunately it was my destiny to preserve the work on film and eventually exhibit it on a worldwide forum where it shall be admired and discussed one and a half decades after its creation. As of this moment what was once temporary is now.. immortal.

THE BIRTHPLACE AND DEATHPLACE OF FIBERGLASS ART

Everyday the FAST corporation in Sparta, Wisconsin makes these United States just a little more fun. They've surrounded us with hundreds of colorful, giant fiberglass statues that are scattered among the nation's mini-golf courses, zoos, motels, amusement parks, restaurants...basically all the places I want to be.
Who can you turn to when college students kidnap the local Shoney's Big Boy?
Who can manufacture pure hometown pride in the form of a pair of eight foot milk jugs?
Who can transform your school mascot from a mere face on a sweatshirt into a tangible behemoth that can sport real shaving cream, eggs and underpants?
The FAST corp can. (because they mix it with love and make the world look good.)

When I first became aware of FAST (short for Fiberglass Animals Shapes and Trademarks) I immediately sent away for their full-color catalog. Upon its arrival I tore open the pages, eager to choose the perfect monstrosity for my front yard. I couldn't have been more delighted with their assortment, but I quickly realized that I would need to toil many more years before I could afford a single clown trashcan or even their smallest hobo. I filed the booklet away in a pile of broken dreams. But now, with the advent this blog I have a reason to dredge it up once again. I wish to share some selections from that catalog with lucky, lucky you. (Note: prices are from 2001. Click on the images to enlarge.)

I always begin to tremble when I see that cover.

I can't tell..is he serving ice cream from the vat he's standing in, or is he just relaxing in a hot tub full of soapy pirate water? (Pirate in tub: $7,665)

Here's an impossible choice.
(Miner: $12,600 Lumberjack: $12,600 Pirate: $4,935
Pheasant: $22,900 Horse: $5,000 Flamingo $29,000 Get them all= $87,035)

This just makes me think.. "why not?"
(price unlisted)

It's like a little glimpse of heaven.

(Ghosts: $1,575 ea. Gorilla: $13,200 The 25 foot version of that gorilla is their most expensive figure at $38,700)

It's the Shoney's Big Boy and the Shoney's Goose and the Shoney's Parrot and the Shoney's Pony.

Remember the second commandment. Remember the second commandment. Remember the sec....
(Frankenstein head: $4,725)

It looks as though the hunter has become the hunted! Ha ha ha ha ha!
(Creature: $6,000 Fisherman: $4,700)

Many more wonders await you on their online catalog.

But that's only half of the story!
Surprisingly, the people at FAST aren't perfect. In what could be interpreted as an act of penance, the employees surround their own workshop with dozens upon dozens of their own failures. It's known as the FAST fiberglass graveyard. I was there in 2001 and I have the photos to prove it. Readers, I present you with a look at the what I like to call The Land of Misfit Fiberglass!!

(click each photo to enlarge)

To the common eye, every piece appears to be flawless. In most cases the craftsmen (who adhere to an incomparable standard of excellence) are the only ones with knowledge of each item's impropriety. Just an example... in the photo above, the elephant's molded harness was originally sculpted to look like Bycast leather (a product usually constructed by rolling a film of colored polyurethane onto a glued surface) in reality, this type of leather would be far too weak for such a hefty task. Thankfully, newer models of the statue feature a fiberglass rendition of a harness made from a more durable material. Still this rejected pachyderm stands as a constant reminder that research is of utmost importance.

They should rent out laser tag sets and just say that the bees are part of the challenge.

Nobody steals the giant cherry on his watch.

This guy just needs a gun in his hand and he'll look like an off duty cop who heard his front window break just as he was putting on his flip-flops.

Would you please come pick up your order Mr. Spielberg.

This is either the most disheartening or the most uplifting photograph ever taken. I can't decide which.

I tell ya, they broke the mold when they made the FAST Corporation. However, FAST puts all of their molds over in this field...

And yes, everything does come to life at night.

Upon seeing the boneyard, onlookers often beg the question.. why?
Is this forest of faulty monuments a form of self-punishment? Or could it be that a daily drive through one's own history of mistakes is the ultimate path to excellence? Well, could it? Now do you see what I'm getting at? Now who's the "crazy" one? I see that my work is done, for I have made it irrefutably clear as to why FAST.. is simply the best!

ALL WORK AND NO PRANKS

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Pictured above is an abundance of S.S. Adams prank and magic goodness that I recently received in the mail. It certainly looks like a lot of fun, but it actually means a lot of work for me because it's the makings of a new retailer catalog that I'm about to put together for Adams. Fortunately, thanks to my passion for pranks, the task won't feel as work-ish as it really is.

This is a photo that I wish I could show to the 10-year-old version of myself and say "Someday you'll get to mess around with all this fun stuff.. and get paid for it!" You may be wondering if I get to keep the samples when I'm done with the project. Well, I already have most of this stuff in my personal collection, but I have been known to include various merchandise as part of my fee. One of these days I'll share the story behind how I was blessed with the Adams gig, but right now I've got a catalog to make.

(Oh, and if you're ever in the market for S.S. Adams novelties I recommend F.L. Jerry's online shop for a wide selection of Adams products.)

STRANGER REVIEW

I got my first official book review for my S.S. Adams book! It appeared in the Stranger, Seattle's alternative weekly newspaper. It's written by Paul Collins and I'm extremely relieved that it's a kind write-up. Click here to read it.

DOLLAR SPOOKS

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As of yesterday I had yet to see what the local Dollar Tree store was offering in the way of Halloween merchandise so I stopped in and had a look. My jaunt through the Halloween aisle with its tired old pumpkin and black cat knick knacks was swift and dissatisfying. It wasn't until I'd found my way to the general Toy aisles that I saw the little guys pictured above.

As you can see, some outfit called Creepy Classics has put out a fun assortment of small, plastic movie monsters. The figures have an elementary charm to them.. Dracula seems to be a five-year-old, Mummy looks like he's having a good dream, and Frankenstein's monster has a look of both concern and bewilderment. In addition to these they had what appeared to be "thumb wrestling" versions of the same characters. (Each monster held a different blunt item the way you'd hold a baseball bat.) I also saw some pretty nifty decks of playing cards that were cut into odd shapes with monster movie poster art on the backs.

Using the actual movie posters in the package design was a great decision. (The posters are even reprinted on the back of the blister cards so that you can cut them out.) However, I can only guess at why they used these particular movies. For example, why The Curse of the Werewolf and not plain old Wolfman. My first assumption was that the Wolfman license is more expensive or something, but that theory seems blown by the fact that they used straight-up Mummy and Dracula. And then there's Universal's King Kong, with a figure modeled straight off the poster, but at the same time they used King of the Lizards instead of Godzilla and there was little to no physical resemblance to either (which is why I didn't buy him). Dollar Tree is big enough that I doubt Creepy Classics disregarded all copyright laws. I think the big clue is the copyright notice on back.. "Property of X one X Archives Inc." perhaps they have rights to these posters and can somehow produce products derived from them or something. Well, that's enough speculation on a matter that's even more meaningless than usual. I really just wanted to alert you of their existence.

Oh, but I must also say that there are some really decent one dollar masks on the shelves this year.. "Classic" non-descript vamp-ish ghoul-ish characters that could have been sculpted three decades ago. And we're talking over the head latex.. with hair (!), and oh, so beautifully primitive. You know the kind where the "paint job" is a couple of scattershot blasts.. green for eyes, red for mouth. The place was like a walk-in Johnson Smith ad. OK it wasn't that cool, but I was pleasantly surprised nonetheless.

UPDATE: I went back to Dollar Tree to discover that they also have movie posters of each monster! They are about 2.5 feet high, shrink-wrapped on cardboard. The quality isn't top notch, but I've never seen anything like them for a buck apiece.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #3

I present my latest Would-Be Weeble...Steve Martin as seen in The Jerk (complete with the necessities: chair, paddleball, ashtray, and desk lamp). It seems like an unlikely toy and yet when I was a boy I appreciated Steve Martin easily as much as Luke Skywalker or Bugs Bunny. King Tut, Balloon Animals, Groucho Glasses, Arrows through the head.. only a kid can properly relish that stuff.

For me there was usually a challenge involved in seeing Steve's work. Saturday Night Live was naturally off limits, I had to wait for the R-rated Jerk to air on network TV before I ever had the pleasure, and I can't forget how it pained me when the Steve Martin TV special "Comedy Is Not Pretty" aired after my bedtime. (I remember making an out-of-bed request for a glass of water just in time to watch a kid get run over by a drunk (played by Steve) driving a steamroller.) The fact that he was forbidden certainly added to his appeal, but all these years later I'm still a big fan.

Ok, I promise I've got some non-Weeble related posts in the hopper, but one must act when the inspiration hits.

UPDATE: Watch the "That's all I need" scene from The Jerk HERE.
See Steve Martin's brilliant Flydini routine HERE.

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #2

I chose to base my second Would-Be Weeble, on another wonderful toy from the 1970s, Mazinga of the Shogun Warriors series. The 24-inch plastic robot eluded me as a child due to it's "dangerous" spring-loaded missiles and I've remained Mazinga-less thanks to the hefty price tag it now carries. I've always admired his design and I think it makes for a decent Weeble, relatively speaking. At least a Weeble version would have been safe enough to meet my parents standards.

CREATURE ON MARY TYLER MOORE

Hats off to my wife for spotting the now rare Penn Plax Creature from the Black Lagoon aquarium ornament (that I blogged about here.) in an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show called 'The Care and Feeding of Parents.' He gets about 30 seconds of screen time which gives the viewer a good chance to watch him do his thing with the swaying and the bubble-making. So now the true test that determines the hardcore monster collector is whether or not they own the Mary Tyler Moore Season 2 DVD set!

"Don't mind the tube.. doctor's orders."

Here's a double shot!

WOULD-BE WEEBLE #1

Ubergeeks like myself understand that sometimes it's not enough to merely collect stuff. Sometimes you must spend otherwise-useful time wishing that "they" would have made different, better stuff for you to collect. Because the "they" who are behind all existing toys somehow neglected to make the best possible ones. Therefore creative collectors are forced to usher these untapped ideas into reality. Now then, there are already fantasy PEZ dispensers, custom Mego Action Figures and "What if" Aurora models to name a few, but I would like to hatch an all new sub-genre of imaginary playthings.. Would-be Weebles.

Why Weebles? Well, for reasons unknown my parents seemed to prefer them over the Fischer-Price little people, therefore playtime for me usually meant Weeble-time. But my fondness for the egg-shaped beings goes far deeper than that. I'm only slightly ashamed to reveal that the Weeble's Treasure Island set was my final reward for successful completion of toilet training. ahem. So yeah.. when your brain associates a particular toy with the sense of victory that can only come with the achievement of personal continence, well.. you can understand why I dig Weebles.

As much as I loved the ones I had, I've never been satisfied with the existing selection of Weebles. Throughout childhood I dictated a number of letters to Romper Room regarding my thoughts on new and better Weeble products. My mom recorded these ideas and actually mailed them in. My list included: the cast of Peter Pan, Casper, Sesame Street (which were eventually made), Popeye, Mickey Mouse (which were also produced later on) Scooby-Doo, Land of the Lost, Mighty Mouse, Groovie Goolies, and Star Wars.

Anyway, it recently dawned on me that with the magik of PhotoShop at my disposal, I can finally see what some of my dream Weebles might look like. Only now my wish list has changed dramatically. So I present you with the first in an ongoing series of Would-be Weebles.. Hugo, the Man of a Thousand Faces...

It's Hugo with his familiar blue lace up shirt, trademark bald head, pronounced cheek bones and icy stare.

Turn him around to reveal Hugo incognito- bearing a tourniquet, scary eye, scar and goatee.

For those unfamiliar, Hugo is a disguisable puppet that was produced by Kenner in 1975. He came with an assortment of hair, scars, glasses and facial prosthetics that you could apply with a glue stick. You may have seen my somewhat primitive "Virtual Hugo" on the Secret Fun Spot...


Hugo is just about my favorite piece of plastic ever, and a natural choice as my first fictitious Weeble rendering.
So now you've had your first look into the way things could have been.. and nothing will ever be the same. Only time will reveal additional members of this fantastic new army of imaginary Weebles.

PAINTINGS BY THE OTHER PABLO

Click here to see a slightly larger view

This ad is from the 1963 Sunset House gift catalog and it's for real. This is possibly the greatest product and/or service ever offered in the history of mail order.