APRIL OF FOOLS: FAKE PUKE

The inevitable conclusion to a solid month of gags.

I hope you enjoyed the binge!

APRIL OF FOOLS: FAKE MEAT

Who knew that "rollschinken" was German for "rolled ham?" And who knew that "imitation" was German for "imitation?"

See, pranks can make you more smarter.

APRIL OF FOOLS: FAKE FOOD

"See the dismay and then the joyous discovery that it's only a joke!"
So to prank someone is to ultimately bring them joy. This is the sort of rationale that saves us pranksters from a magnitude of guilt.

APRIL OF FOOLS: HAND BUZZER

Potentially the most socially damaging gag known to man.

APRIL OF FOOLS: SQUIRT CIGAR

Observations on the Trick Squirt Cigar...

-The header card depicts a real cigar. (An effort to remind the consumer how cigars are traditionally used?)

-The illustrated smoke is disrupted by the pricing circle. (This is sort of awesome.)

-Its capability to deceive is nonexistent. There are only two possible scenarios:
1. A kid with a cigar in his mouth (chance of deception= 0%)
2. An adult with an unlit piece of plastic awkwardly positioned between his teeth, trying to look natural as he awaits the moment when he can finally bite down and expel the liquid. (chance of deception= 0%)

Maybe that's why it comes in a two-pack.

APRIL OF FOOLS: THE OUT-HOUSE

There are two basic types of pranks. There's the kind that attempts to seamlessly blend in with the environment, then there's the kind that lures its potential victims with that which is purely unusual. Unfortunately, the latter creates a world laden with small plastic outhouses populated by urinating simpletons.

APRIL OF FOOLS: TRICK FLIES

APRIL OF FOOLS: BANG GUN

I purchased this classic Bang Gun during my one and only visit to the M. Gordon Novelty shop in Manhattan. Sadly, it is now among the many dearly departed retailers of its kind.

Photo by Runs With Scissors

When I first approached the building a black and white Wolfman poster hanging in a window high above the entrance assured me that I had arrived at the best possible place.

The feeling I got when I walked in is difficult to put into words. The air inside was different. The sense of history and mystery was intensely palpable. Beyond the front door there was a vinyl rope blocking the passage to the cramped shop floor. I stood behind it confused until the clerk nodded me in. I still don't get it. Is this some big city technique? Does it deter shoplifting? Or does it simply contain the mystical forces inside the shop?

One of the walls was lined with hinged panels that you could flip through, you know, like the ones that display posters. Only these were smaller and ancient, and they were brimming with gags that had been stapled on haphazardly. And they were really old ones. I immediately inquired about a couple of the most exciting items- a rubber monster and a pack of fake cigarettes.

"We don't sell those anymore."

"What about the giant squirting flower?"

"Naw."

Again I was confused, yet quite thankful that they were doing the world the service of publicly displaying these joke relics. However, my gratitude couldn't cover the pain I felt in my gut as I perused the unobtainable items.

"Do you sell the gun with the flag?"

"Um, yeah. I think I've got some of those."

Forever later the guy emerged from the back with my pistol.

Ah, "the back." The mere thought of the back of M. Gordon Novelty sends bittersweet waves over me. It really existed. With a front like that, what must the back have been like? There must have been corners and crevices and buried boxes that hadn't been cracked open for decades. Judging from the layout of the building, it had to be ten times the size of the front. It must have been a wonderland.

As I continued to browse it became obvious that the clerk was in the process of doing inventory. He was not the glimmer-eyed little old man I might have hoped for, rather he was an oafish, no-nonsense loudmouth who didn't seem too keen on offering his service to the customers.

"Ya got any more monocles back there?!"
he yelled to an invisible co-worker.

"WHAT?"
he shouted as he left his perch annoyed. He returned with a huge box of costume monocles. He plopped them down, picked up a clipboard and seemed to struggle to incorporate the find into his existing monocle calculation.

I will always savor the moment when he finally looked up from his note pad. His face was flushed and he appeared genuinely perplexed as he calmly spoke with his heavy Brooklyn accent to nobody in particular,

"Jeeeeeeez. We showa do have a LOT of monocles."

APRIL OF FOOLS: SQUIRT CAMERA

J.J. ABRAMS, S.S. ADAMS, WIRED MAGAZINE AND ME

The latest issue of Wired Magazine is fantastic.

Okay, 47% of my motivation for saying that is because J.J. Abrams happened to mention my design work and my S.S. Adams book in this month's Wired Playlist!

But the other 53% of my intent is purely inspired by the fact that this issue is phenomenal. Unexplained phenomenon that is. Abrams guest edited the whole thing, and he's managed to create something abnormal– which is to say, something not normally found on the magazine rack. First off, the entire issue is a puzzle. But for those of us lacking that sort of mind power there's stuff about Art Bell, Mystery Spots, secret codes, magic tricks, a Chris Ware comic, and a great essay penned by J.J. regarding the nature of Spoilers. The cover features Abrams' gorgeous Mystery Box as discussed in his TED talk. They even let him hijack the logo with a wonderful vintage-inspired typeface. Or is it hand-lettered? Another mystery.

Thanks again for the magic Mr. Abrams.

APRIL OF FOOLS: FAKE GORE

It's okay if you need to vomit.

APRIL OF FOOLS: FLOOR PENNY (WITH BONUS WORM!)

The Floor Penny alone just wasn't doing it for me. Then it occurred to me to add the Worm to this post. Ah, sweet perfection. You've done it again Demarais.

APRIL OF FOOLS: BROKEN GLASS

The Window Smashers are a set of four pieces of sheet metal that sound surprisingly similar to shattering glass when dropped.

The Cracked TV Tube is a decal that looks nothing like a crack in a TV tube.

Don't trust the floating pixie head, as it will lead you astray half of the time.

APRIL OF FOOLS: BLACK EYE TUBE

Here's a great way to hinder promiscuity before it even has a chance to develop. Just leave this tube out where a curious young man will find it. The tube says...

"Photo view of artists models. For men only. For best view hold close to the eye and revolve slowly."

Wait for the guilty pleasure-seeker to come along and really stain up his eye socket. When the moment is right, go ahead and emerge from your hiding place as you loudly inquire "What are you trying to see, huh?" (It's even more effective if the boy's mother is in tow.) For best results bring in a young girl (as seen in photo) to reveal to the victim that he's dirtied his face (not to mention his heart). Congratulations, you've just made a public shaming! The effect will last for decades. Even as an adult this fellow will grow uneasy during Three's Company reruns.

APRIL OF FOOLS: SNEEZING POWDER

Harmless Fun! Well, yes and no. If we're talking about the original sneezing powder, the stuff that was sold up through the 1940s, then we should call it by its real name– dianisidine chlorosulphonate. This substance was adopted by the Germans in WWI as a chemical weapon. They poured it into shrapnel shells and fired it at the French, but its use was discontinued because "it has only limited ability to create casualties on the battlefield..." (quoting Chemical and Biological Warfare by Eric Croddy)

When you think about it purely from a pranksters perspective, it's almost a shame that the government banned dianisidine. It's been reported that a tiny dose of early sneezing powder was capable of causing an entire room full of people to have a mass sneezing fit. It's no wonder the product was key in launching the entire industry of commercial pranks.

These days sneezing powder is merely finely ground pepper. I guess the phrase "Harmful Fun!" just doesn't move product as well.

APRIL OF FOOLS: JUMPING CANDY

Are you a portly bald man who's fed up with the office tease? Let's face it, you don't stand a chance with her. So why not return a portion of the suffering that this insensitive broad has caused, all while earning the esteem of others at her expense? Don't worry, the act will be entirely socially acceptable– celebrated even.

The moment that piece of "candy" leaps from her sweaty paws maybe she'll finally begin to understand what it's like to have a tempting delight dangled before you, only to watch it spring out of your grasp right when you think it's yours for the savoring. And as the roar of laughter fills the room, and as your victim begins to shrink, you can take a step back with a grin and whisper to yourself "All of this is my doing."

"Can be used over and over." Perfect. Because there are so many others who require the same lesson. And you are just the man to teach it. Have fun!

APRIL OF FOOLS: CRAZY TEETH

This one gets extra points for the hand lettered logo! However, there's a point deduction for constructing it out of duck feet. Oh, I see, those are teeth– extra points for incorporating teeth in the logo! Points revoked for not consulting any visual reference for the teeth. Points gained for inventive packaging! A couple more points for thick eyelashes! Uh-oh, points taken away for freaky looking hair on left side and uneven cheek bones. Still more points deducted for coming out in 1982. Well it is a Franco-American product but I can't decide if that's a point gain or loss. Hmmmm. So let's see here.. calculating .. carry the one... Crazy Teeth has a total of 27 points! Great job! I think.

APRIL OF FOOLS: WACKY LIQUIDS

This stop: Dullsville

I guess I am a bit curious as to how the Dry Water works, but not to the extent that I will rip open this silly relic.

APRIL OF FOOLS: RUBBER CREEPS

I recognize that image on the header card with the serpent, the rat, the scorpion, the crocodile and the spider relaxing together in the meadow. It's from my nightmares.

Trust me, you don't want to know what happens next.

APRIL OF FOOLS: TRICK "ANIMALS"

APRIL OF FOOLS: HOT DOG WITH FLY

Why, oh, why not just sell the trick fly alone? (Like all the other novelty companies did.) Now you've got to wait for a hot dog meal before you can even attempt this gag.
Sorry you can't really see the fly. It's likely that the victim won't notice it either.
The fake hot dog itself will probably get them before the fly ever has a chance.

Toss on a piece of fake Swiss cheese for some real hilarity.

APRIL OF FOOLS: SQUIRTERS

Let's do this one Jeopardy! style...

The Answer: A tie, a radio, a ring and a toilet.
The Question: What are two things that start with the letter "R" and two things that start with a "T" that could potentially squirt you with water?

Now you know.

AN APRIL OF FOOLS COMMENTS

FYI, I resorted to turning on comment moderation for the first time because I've had to fight massive amounts of SPAM from Taiwan recently. It seems the country has finally discovered that my web site is the key to attaining their wildest dreams.

Sorry for the new lack of instant gratification.

APRIL OF FOOLS: MERRY WIDOW HANKY

My hypothesis: Merry Widow Hanky possesses one of the lowest success rates in the history of commercial pranking. Not in sales, but in the number of times that it's been successfully executed.

The gag's functionality is entirely dependent upon a lengthy list of factors...

1. You must be in an environment where a jacket is appropriate.
2. The ruffles on your handkerchief must be noticed.
3. The ruffles must be noticed by a woman. ( If another male gets a look, you're in for years of ribbing and nicknames from your fellow lodge members.)
4. The ruffles must be perceived as a questionable and uncharacteristic fashion decision.
And here's the big one...
5. The "victim" must be so aghast at the sight that they choose to grab it from your coat pocket. The reaction mustn't be a point and laugh, or a friendly nudge, or a curious touch— they must feel compelled to just yank it out of there.
6. After the grab, the "victim" must examine the item.
7. Upon examination, they must recognize that the hanky is a replica of ladies underwear.
Oh, and most importantly...
8. The year must be 1954.

Now imagine that all of those elements were to somehow align due to some cosmic anomaly. Once the pathetic trap is sprung, the payoff is minuscule.
Is the sight of miniature knickers enough to merit a blush?
More likely, you have just given everyone in the room the impression that you've been toting around a tiny pair of baby doll panties.

APRIL OF FOOLS: TRICK CHEESE

Judging from the artwork, trick cheese is best suited for the overly jolly, large-headed doofus who's been practically begging for someone to crush their cheery demeanor. Just watch those dimples disappear when he gets a mouthful of soft plastic. Time to pay your dues Rye boy!

Actually, the fact that nobody is content anymore to eat a single slice of Swiss on two pieces of Rye Bread is a depressing commentary on our society.

APRIL OF FOOLS: TRICK GLASS

(Note: the liquid escaped long ago.)

(Note: the liquid is discolored; it was originally brown.)

In case the concept is unclear— liquid is sealed between two layers of plastic, hypothetically causing your victim to stretch their neck back at the promise of booze.

I purchased my first Trick Brandy Glass (the model seen directly above) at a gift shop in Gatlinburg, Tennessee when I was in the seventh grade. Throughout the drive home I anxiously checked the glass about every hundred miles to make sure that it was intact. A mixture of relief and triumph passed over me when I successfully removed the breakable from its bubble wrap and displayed it on my bedroom shelf.

Next I unpacked my new "Bug in the Ice Cube" gag. I was extremely proud of my notion to display it inside the the Brandy Glass. A prank within a prank—pure genius. I dropped in the plastic ice cube and the trick snifter shattered, spewing colored liquid from Taiwan all over my carpet.

The replacement seen above was a souvenir from a 1996 road trip to Las Vegas. It was a very long drive home.

APRIL OF FOOLS: PANIC BUTTON

APRIL OF FOOLS: HOT TOOTHPICKS